Day 45, January 13, 2007

Today is day 45 or maybe I need to say Day 1. No, not again. I have decided that the depression growing inside of me was not only unhealthy for myself, but others around me. For the 3rd time in recent days I have made another small step. I voluntarily checked myself into the psychiatric ward at the hospital.

I have heard and read so much about depression and how it is normal to go through it after you stop drinking. I now feel that depression was the root of my drinking problem. It is costing $1300.00 a day to find out that I was just self-medicating it.

When checking myself in I feel like a prisoner. No shoes, belts, watches. They went through my bag and put everything away in my "locked" dresser drawers. My BB, daily prayer book and journal were the only things left out. The bathroom consists of a stainless steel sink and stainless steel toilet with no seat (just like in the prison movies). The grab bars in the shower and around the toilet are blanked off on the back so you can not slip anything around them to hang anything or anyone.

Really for the first time in my life, I am alone. Locked in a room, locked up with myself. This time alone will hopefully give me some time to really figure Steve out and what it is that makes me want to forget about life.

Today I am greAAtiful:
To be alive.
To be sober for 45 days.
For my AODA counselor who pushed me with hard questions.
For my Junior High sweetheart, who is the best friend I could ever have.
For my wife, even though our future looks bleak. It is her love and support which drove me to seek help.
For my two precious, pain in my a** boy's. They fill my life with joy.
For my HP, may I soon accept him back into my life.

Hugs & kisses
Steve